I have to be honest—I’m not really sure what this little bitch’s name is. Not to be mean, but Tinkerbell and I are good friends and I can’t bother getting close with every new, young thing that Paris has decided is the “love of her life.” It’s too emotionally exhausting. In all fairness though, her outfit is very cute. The diamonds are a bit much, but I guess that if you’ve got it, you might as well flaunt it. Also, I do appreciate that she’s dressed in a very age-appropriate pink ensemble. So many of these young pups are so scantily clad. I swear, I saw a Chihuahua the other day with three nipples exposed—AT THE IVY. “For God’s sake, “ I said, “I’m trying to eat here!”

I can’t decide which picture has more leather in it.. Either way, I’m chewing first and asking questions later.

Kim is an impeccable dresser, so I never have to worry about her stepping out onto the red carpet in an outfit that isn’t even fit for me to chew, like this mess here. But if she ever did, then she’d also have little Band-Aids on her shins—from where I would have cut her with razorblades for such a fashion atrocity.

  Everybody’s all up in arms over Britney Spears and what’s going to happen to her and her kids, but I’m more worried about her poor little dog here. I can’t remember if it’s a Yorkie or a White Maltese. The little furry ones all smell the same to me. Ugh. Does that make me racist? Whatever, one of my best friends in high school was a tea-cup poodle and we never teased for not being able to stop shivering. Well, not to her face, anyways.

I know she’s cute and plays a bitch on TV, but she’s not a puppy. Put her down, crazy.

I’ve never understood exactly why women love diamonds so much. Don’t get me wrong, even though I’m a dog, I can appreciate a good sparkler designed to arouse envy, but I would so much rather get a present I can sink my teeth into. Look at these suckers. All those little bitches at the kennel would be so jealous if they saw me chewing on one of these prime pieces of plastic. Oh yeah, and the shoes are cute too.